bridges & where to stand

                       "This bridge was once a landmark of a divided nation, but 
                        now is a symbol for change. The spirit of this bridge transcends 
                        race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and social status... 
                        This bridge was built on hope, welded with compassion, and 
                        elevated by love for all human beings." - Common

Last night the 87th Annual Academy Awards aired on ABC in the United States. It is a night much anticipated by many, including myself. As an actor, an entertainer, and an artist - this is my Superbowl. I can't get enough of it. All the dresses, all the smiles, all the screw ups, all the tears, all the laughter - I love it.

Every year, films are carefully deliberated over, nominated, analyzed, and by the time the night is over, we learn who the Academy deems exceptional in their category. The truth, in my opinion, is that the nomination alone is a mark of exceptional work. Every year we hear speeches from brilliant, incredibly, and (sometimes) crazy artistic geniuses. There are words about life, art, beauty. And then there are words like last night.

Words like

SUICIDE.

Words like

WAGE EQUALITY.

Words like

SELMA IS NOW.

They are words of change and revolution.

They are not new words. They are not particularly unique sentiments. And they were even underscored by some of the night's less than compassionate moments (ahem, Neil Patrick Harris and Sean Penn).

But, make no mistake, they are important. 

Here's why:

1. Where they were said. These words were said on a public platform. They were said on a national broadcast over a network station. They were said in a spot where many great, talented, wonderful, passionate people have stood but refused to take risks because they were afraid. Personally, I might very well do the same. I have no way of fathoming what it would be like to stand on that stage with that big of an audience, with a career in the balance, and with a limited number seconds before I get played off and try to speak something worthwhile. I would like to believe that I would do it, but perhaps that is just my sense of pride.

2. What happened when they were said. When Dana Perry started to talk about her son's suicide, the music playing her out stopped. When Patricia Arquette began her frazzled, frantic, impassioned plea for wage equality between genders, people clapped. They cheered. They stood up. When Graham Moore opened up about his suicide attempt and dedicated his Oscar to every growing child who feels out of place, he received the same support. When John Legend and Common performed, people stood. People cried. And when they accepted the award, people were silent. They listened. They hushed and actually heard the call to action. They sat in the uncomfortableness of the call that meant they were now put in a state of expectation. And then they applauded. These brave voices received support and encouragement.

3. People heard them. I know it because social media was abuzz. I know it because, if no one else, I heard them. Not that I am any great person of import in this grand and vast world, but I am someone who has wrestled with darkness. I have walked my pathways filled with despair, with manifestations of sexism and racism. I heard them.

A long time ago, when I was in a really dark spot, this story came into my life. In it, To Write Love On Her Arms founder Jamie Tworkowski ponders the thought that we are called to "move for things that matter." It has become a fundamental part of my personal philosophy. It goes on to say this:

                             "We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many 
                               hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but 
                              we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all 
                              the mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such 
                              a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made 
                              to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out 
                              again and again until we're called home."

That's why last night mattered to me. It was a call. It was a moment when people refused to be silent about the brokenness in the world. THANK GOD. We can't fix the brokenness if we refuse to see it, refuse to talk about.

So often we look back at how far we have come. That's fine. We need reminders of progress. But progress was never achieved by folks who looked around and refused to talk about the problems.

So, in case you missed last night, I have included links to most of the moments I have discussed. Where we stand is important. The bridges we build and what build them on is important. Allow yourself to be called to action. Find your bridge.

"We should talk about suicide out loud." - Dana Perry

a drawer of lightbulbs

Sometimes, when it's late at night & the world around me is dark, I get scared.

Not of the dark. That would be quite silly. Or maybe not.  (See The Dark - or the audiobook to understand today's title).

I get scared because all of the illumination goes away. All the sound, all the noise that feeds me & keeps me preoccupied dissipates. All I am left with are my thoughts on life... and quite frankly, that is...

petrifying.

Let me tell you, my mind... it's a scary place. It's scary because I am a faulty, anxious, & mistrusting human being. Yeah. Let's stop there. I could down that list for a while, except it's not the point.

Over the past three months, I have felt a strong pull to change professions. I have been creatively unsatisfied & unstimulated. Of more concern, is the fact that I haven't been motivated where I'm at to change the fact that I am unsatisfied & unstimulated.

So...problems.

I have spent the last 4-5 weeks meeting with people, applying to jobs, researching positions & seeking after work that I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. There have been 2 phone calls about potentially setting up interviews (one of which I sort of biffed.) But mostly, particularly in the last 24 hours, there has been panic.

Will any of these places see me? Will they want me? Can I get my foot in the door?

If none of them want me, where do I go?

If one of them wants me but can't pay the bills, what do I do?* Take it? Pass it? Wait for next season to roll around?

*This one is huge for me. HUGE. I obsess. The thought of not being able to financially support myself almost puts me in hysterics.

And phone watching. There has been a lot of phone watching. Voicemails, emails, missed calls - I have gone absolutely bananas trying to monitor all of it.

Yesterday, I spent roughly 3 hours on the phone after the biffed call just trying to calm my brain down. Talking about possibilities of inferences & implications. If A, then B? If Y, then Z?

What I kept hearing from different people, in different words was this. "Hand it over." For me, this means surrendering to my faith. Trusting that God knows more than I do. Trusting that He will be faithful in providing a spot where I can shine for Him.

"Hand it over. Enjoy the process. It's out of your control."

All very necessary but stressful things to impart an anxious, controlling, perfectionist. And to hear it from both parents, several friends, & a roommate. I spent some time in meditation before sleep. It was grounding but ultimately lacked any sort of enlightening moment where the clouds parted & I finally calmed the *bleep* down. And I slept relatively well - minus one terrifying & unrelated dream.

And then today happened. I got no more information than I had yesterday. I did not hear back from either office I was hoping to hear from. And it was the best thing that could have happened. At work, it took me 20 minutes to leave because I had toddlers sitting on my feet begging me not to go. I didn't spend my evening shaking or wanting to cry.

Before I climbed in bed, I decided to pull out something to read. A real book. Nothing on a screen (since jobs searching & applications make you never want to see a computer again...for me anyway.) Some nights I reach for C.S. Lewis, Shakespeare, or T.S. Eliot. Some nights it's brief but dense works like Tuesdays with Morrie.

Tonight, I reached for Neil Gaiman. Not so very long ago, for my graduation or birthday, a very dear friend gave me a printed copy of Neil Gaiman's "Make Good Art" speech (video). I read it through, let myself be passionately inspired by the words & promptly filed it in with my other "inspirational" books.

The inside cover says in large, bold letters
"This book 
is for anybody 
who is 
     looking around              and thinking
 NOW WHAT?"

Well, I thought, that about nails it. I hadn't even started yet.

About 15 pages in, I find this -

"Sometimes the way you do what you hope to 

do will be clear cut, and sometimes, it will 

be almost impossible to decide whether or 

not you are doing the correct thing,

 because you'll have to balance your goals and hopes with  

feeding yourself, paying debts, 

finding work, settling for what you cant get."

Okay. Cool. Huh, maybe it's not terrible that I am so torn. It makes sense. I do have to find a balance.

Five pages later:

"If I did work I was proud of, and didn't get the money, at least I'd have the work."

Jeeze. Okay. No need to hit me over the head with it. It is a calling. I'm not crazy. Making good art feeds soul...blah blah blah.

And then this.

"The things I've done that worked the best were the things I was the least certain about... [ several pages later] I started trying to think what the best advice I'd been given over the years was. And it came from Stephen King... 'This is really great. You should enjoy it.' And I didn't."

...

.....

Now I am at this place where epiphanies happen. And, it's funny, isn't it? That instead of listening to the people who know me (& who I know/trust), it finally clicked for me, late at night, when the world was dark...

And I am no longer scared.

barefoot & yelling

There seems to be a lot of yelling going on these days. Whether it is between friends, strangers, celebrities, politicians.

This yelling, though - the most interesting thing about it is that it almost exclusively takes place in one spot: online. Now, that's not good or bad. Social media and online forums provide a spot for many things to be said, that need to be said that may be uncomfortable to say in "real life."

I am all for finding a safe way to say things.... so what's the problem?

The yelling. That's the actual problem. Many issues that have hit the limelight over the past months (feminism, racial injustice in the "justice" system, vaccinations) are hot button issues. They are issues that, for many, are key in defining their life's philosophy.

Because of that, we are barefoot in these issues. They are issues that touch a vulnerable, determined, powerful part of our soul. A sort of psychological "fight-or-flight" response gets triggered. And so we yell. But the yelling is so damaging. It creates a vicious, unsafe place where parties become dangerously, and often aggressively, polarized in their views.

And that is so harmful - not because opinions are harmful, but because we need to learn how to express opinions in a way that still shows our ability to respect those around us, whether they agree with us or not. There is a time and a place for passionate disagreement. More often, we encounter times and places that call for civil disagreement.

Why? Why is being civil and respectful so important? We are living in a particular culture, one that emphasizes the importance of "me-me-ME."

This mindset is not sustainable. It's just common sense. We can't exist as one entity (community, state, or nation) when we value good for ourselves above the good of the community. It's not to say individuals don't matter - they do. We can't have any units of community without individuals. We don't have innovation, spontaneity, or organization without individuals.

But individuals have to be willing to responsible for taking care of their community. We have to create a space that fosters discussion, education, generosity, empathy, discourse & change.

Embrace these things. Embrace them barefoot. Let's work towards creating a world where we can safely be barefoot in the things that matter to us. In a world where we don't need to shield our soles with layers of polish, socks, slippers, sandals, or boots.

Being barefoot in the things we love is beautiful. So let's treat each other that way.