On April 1, 2001 my parents sat me and my brother down to tell us something - something very important. In fact, something that would change the rest of our lives. That was the day my parents told us they were getting a divorce.
April Fool's!
Except it wasn't a joke.
To be completely honest, I don't remember much of that day. I don't know if it was raining or sunny. I don't have any idea if it was a weekday or weekend. I haven't the foggiest what time of day it was or what I was wearing. I only know that I felt the wind knocked out of me and enough confusion to scribble down some very sloppy upset notes in my neon colored, leopard print, 4th grade diary.
I won't lie. It was probably one of the most painful days of my life. There was a lot of confusion. I felt betrayed, broken, like I had somehow failed my family. I felt like I would never be able to walk into church again without feeling stared down.
Mom and Dad, if you are reading this, here is the most important thing I want you to know about the decision you shared with us that day:
I am so grateful for what you did.
1. As an adult, I forget April Fool's Day almost every single year. Please don't feel bad about that part. It honestly makes the story funnier now.
2. I didn't believe you one bit when you both said it was what was best for us. Not. a lick. Well, shame on me. I now understand, as much as I can, what you meant by that and I am SO glad you knew what you were talking about.
3. You did know what you were talking about. I don't know how you both felt at the time - if you were nervous about making a mistake or if you knew this is what we needed. But it was right. The older I get, the more conviction I feel that you made the right choice.
Especially when I came to college, a small private Christian school, I realized that being the child of divorce put me in a unique situation. That was only furthered by the fact that my parents are on good terms and continued to co-parent by brother and I. I know many people, in fact, some who are probably reading these words right now, who are very strongly against divorce. I understand that. I respect the reasons you hold those views, as far as I know them. I (sort of) get that you want to go into marriage believing it's not an option.
I'm not sure what to say about that most of the time. I get it. Logically. Faith-wise. But I also know that the quality of my life is DRASTICALLY better because my parents were brave enough to do what they knew was best for all of us. I can't imagine how hard it would be to make that choice, knowing very well that people you love, that SHOULD be your support system might very well start putting on scales.
If, for whatever reason (faith, principle, et cetera) you are someone who looks down your nose at people who are divorced, I guess this is me asking you to please stop. Please stop pitying children of divorce. Please know that while we would have loved to have parents in a happy, loving marriage - we would much rather actually have our happiness and our parent(s) in whatever way is healthiest for us.*** An unhappy, unhealthy marriage is not safe.
Several years after my parents divorce I entered a very dark time in my life that lasted several more years. Without both of my parents and the stability that they were able to offer separately, there is a very real possibility that I might not be alive today.
So I am a Christian. And I am grateful for divorce.
My family is wonderful. We all spend Christmas together. And I do mean all of us - Mom, Step-Dad, Dad, Step-Mom, brother, step-sisters, grandparents, step-grandparents, and I. Sometimes I am lucky enough to have members of 3 or even 4 of my extended families in the same place at once.
I know that most families of divorce are not like. I can only speak for myself and my experience. But I do know that of all the divorcees and children of divorce I have talked to, I can count on one hand the number of people who have regrets or feel that their life changed for the worse. I am not saying I am an advocate of divorce. I am not saying that I believe in going into marriage lightly or that divorce should be an easy out just in case...
But I am saying that no one should ever be made to feel ashamed or judged or cast-aside because they did what they needed to do to live a healthy live for themselves and be a healthy person for the people who depend on them.
Mom and Dad, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for making the hardest, best choice ever.
<3 this very barefoot soul
P.S. This blog entry was inspired by an article shared on Facebook not so long ago. These are not good things or bad things. Just different things.
*** The collective "we" and "us" being used in this section is a reflection on both my views and the views of many children of divorce that I have spoken with. It is NOT an absolute reflection of the feeling of every child of divorce. I acknowledge that. However, the collective is being utilized here the emphasize a viewpoint common to many, not all, children of divorce.
