I think for everyone it’s different for everyone. Especially
as I have grown, optimism is a trait that other people seem to associate with
me frequently. Which is so odd. Because I was such a pessimist growing up. By
the time I was fourteen I felt jaded as fuck – so skeptical of people’s ability
to love and care and be genuine. So I make a real attempt to change that as
often as I can. Until the depression hits.
It’s hard to describe the moment you become entranced. I
just feel this downward pull forever. This crabbiness, this hatefulness, this
sad rage building. And I hate myself for it. Until that moment strikes. If you listen close, I feel like you could
hear it with a stethoscope. It’s this small click. Or maybe it’s a fall. Or a
push. Or a ….something. But all of a sudden you find this coziness in this dark
little corner where suddenly you don’t give a fuck. It doesn’t hurt to be
rageful or lonely or sad to the bottom of your soul – because you can’t fathom
what it’s like to be completely happy.
Maybe it’s because it eats at you until you are just
encompassed whole. And then… well, it’s like this warm spot that you forgot
existed. Just welcoming you back. Holding you. And that’s what gets me.
What people never seem to understand. Depression isn’t cold.
It’s this mournfully beautiful, inviting place where you feel comforted and
strangely welcome. And that’s why it’s tempting to never leave.
Leaving means explaining. It means having to the listen to
the people who tell you they understand when they don’t. It means dealing with
looks from friends who go from being supportive to “Just come on already.”
Like there’s a timeline on it. Like I can just turn it off.
Like I would want to.
Because, obviously, Christians don’t deal with depression.
Because optimists don’t have depression. Because people who have no
dramatically desperate circumstances in their life can’t get depression.
Because you have people who love you, you can’t get depression. Because you smile and laugh and live joyfully 80 percent of the time you shouldn't have depression. Insert sarcasm
here.
And I’m one of the lucky ones. My depressive bouts cycle
every 1-2 years, with my really bad episodes falling somewhere from 4-5 years.
If you haven’t sat in this space before. This probably reads
to you as aggressive… or crazy… I’m not sure. Because I can’t imagine a world
where I don’t know what this feels like.
Here’s what I really want you to know.
Just because I hurt doesn’t mean I quit loving you.| No
amount of telling me you want me to feel better will actually make me feel
better.| Please don’t be afraid to hug me or comfort me. I need human touch now
more than ever.| Yes, I know there are medications.| Sometimes I’m not actually
tired, I just don’t feel like explaining it.| I get that it’s awkward and you
don’t know what to do. Neither do I.| If I could just snap myself out of it, I
would.| Depression is constricting, immobilizing, and scary – as much for me as
for you.| I want to laugh and smile, but it feels like I forgot how.| Not
everyone’s depression is the same.
I imagine that being enveloped by depression must be a lot
like being constricted by a snake. It’s painful and crushing but warm. The
pressure can be relaxing –
until, of course, you can’t breathe.
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